More Toilet Humour

The reason for my email, and the time that will always stick in my head (I still wake up in the night in a cold sweat) and the time I felt like a total minion, a tool of his regime was shortly after the building was regaled with a new oven in the staff canteen. There had been some installation issues with the device which had caused the electricity in the building to cut out several times in the week and whilst it was being investigated, we had to work in suspense not knowing when we might be plunged into relative darkness.

 

The moment of revulsion was a sheer mix of bad timing; too much water on my part, the poor workmanship of a workshy electrician and poor design of a windowless toilet. I proceeded to head towards the toilet as usual and, having done what I needed, I moved to the sink to wash my hands only for the door to open and my boss to walk in. Taking up the position, he simultaneously unzipped his fly and farted (to this day I am unsure if this was an attempt to exhibit some display of lower body dexterity) at which point, as if responding to the fart, the power went out and the room was plunged into complete darkness.

 

I guess it was my own fault for not getting out the room quick enough, or maybe for washing my hands a little too long but there we were, alone in the darkness. Now, I have always been brought up to be prepared and this time was no different, I always carried a mini Maglite torch on my keyring for those lost key moments late in the evening. I turned the torch on and proceeded to finish washing up before moving to the exit. It was pretty much as I turned the torch on that my boss called me. ‘Here ******* come and hold that torch over here so I can see what I’m aiming at’. I was trapped, in the dark, the room filling with ass fumes, being asked to shine a torch onto my boss’ genitals so he could piss in a straight line. There was no other option, the minion had been summoned, I moved to his right shoulder and not looking in any direction other than the ceiling, I aimed the torch in a general downwards direction.

 

The urine stream sounded to be unending, his aftershave curled under my nostrils, cheap cologne mixing with the occasional fart released during his urination process, all the time giving me verbal instructions like a perverse and appropriately named ‘Golden Shot’. After what felt like an eternity, he shook himself dry, possibly to watch the drops glisten in the torchlight and I left, made my way silently to my desk and that night began looking for another job, leaving him to wash his hands in darkness.

 

Thanks you for sharing my constant torment with me.

Toilet Humour

My boss, who shall remain nameless, was the most pedantic, arrogant, twisted, ignorant buffoon that I have ever met.However, I look back at my memories of him and smile. This is why…

Once, a group of us were working at a client’s site and up against a tight deadline. In order to give us some “motivation” to get the work we were already doing done, my boss came in to give us a pep talk. That done, he proudly announced that he was off to take a “dump” before heading back into the office. We all waved goodbye to him, gave him the finger as soon as his back was turned and carried on with the work in hand.

About 45 minutes later, one of the managers at the client site came in demanding to know where our boss was. We told him he had gone to the toilet before heading back to the office. He said he knew he had gone to the toilet. We asked why…

Apparently, he had chosen some toilets that were being modernised. He’d walked straight past the plumbers, who told him not to go in there, and promptly took the planned “dump” he had told us about. He then walked out of the toilets and gave the plumbers a thumbs up sign (I kid you not) before leaving to go back to the office. Unfortunately, the manager then informed us, the toilets had not yet been plumbed in…

What was funnier was my bosses insistence that it was not him when the client rang to complain, even trying to blame one of us for his unspeakable deed! I say unspeakable, but of course it wasn’t! It was the stuff of legend, to be whispered at water cooler to water cooler for years to come.

He didn’t really progress too far within the company after that.

The only saving grace to this person from my point of view is that I always used to leave my jacket hung over my chair, I never took it home, and my PC on. One year, he actually gave me a higher percentage rise as he was grateful to all the extra hours he noticed I was doing….

Oh well, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I always sneaked off around half four!

 

 

Codemasters Searching for UK’s Worst Boss

To commemorate the release of Overlord: Raising Hell on PlayStation 3 on June 20^th from Codemasters, the evil Overlord is running a quest to see if there are any bosses in the UK worse than him.

 

So, we’re asking people from across the UK to submit their own funny stories about a terrible boss – and the best will win a PlayStation 3 and a copy of Overlord: Raising Hell. It’s totally anonymous as well, so you can be as awful as you want. Just email your story to worst.boss@codemasters.com, Codemasters will pick the best and then put them up here.

 

Of course, the Overlord is going to take some beating because he instructs his slavish Minions to do all kinds of terrible things: killing unicorns, attacking peasants, drinking cheap home brew and even sacrificing themselves, all in their mission to serve the terrible Overlord.

 

We’ve already asked around for a few anecdotes to give you some inspiration. So, take a look below and then email us your stories.

 

IKEA Chaos

My female boss was moving into a new house and wanted to buy a load of furniture from IKEA but reckoned she didn’t have time. So, she dragged me into the office one day with a massive list of items she wanted and told me to take the work’s van to IKEA. Fine, I thought, it’s a crafty day out of the office. Unfortunately, I didn’t realise the list included very heavy items like wardrobes, drawers and even a bed. I struggled round the store and managed, somehow, to load everything into the van. Job well done, I thought.

I drove back to the office and the boss wasn’t there. So, I called her and she said she was waiting at her new house for me to drop the stuff off.  By this time it was getting on for 6pm but I thought I should drop everything off. I got to the house and then she tells me that she’s hurt her arm and can’t carry anything in – so I then spend the next two hours carrying everything in. Sweating, tired and a bit miffed I manage to get all the stuff in the house.

So far, so annoying but this is where it gets even worse. She then bursts into tears and insists that I BUILD ALL THE FURNITURE because she was meant to be having a dinner party the next day and wanted the house to look nice. I couldn’t believe it! She promised I could have a day off and there’s nothing worse than a crying woman. So, I was building furniture until 6am (the boss went to bed at 10pm and actually dared to ask me to keep the noise down). I left soon after 6.30am to get to bed. Being very tired I overslept slightly and didn’t get to work until 10am. The boss was already at work, she didn’t thank me for doing all the work and then gave me a formal warning for not arriving to work on time! Un-believe-able.

Boozey Boss

Every lunch time my boss would make me go to the off license to buy her a little bottle of vodka, which she would drink during the afternoon.  I don’t think I ever saw her sober during the two years I worked there.

The Girlfriend Stealer

I went to the Christmas party and the boss was there absolutely off his face on vodka and tonic. Anyway, he was trying it on with my then girlfriend at the time (buying her drinks, asking her to dance). Later on she went missing and I discovered them having sex behind some bins at the back of the pub. Classy. Even better, he sacked me after Christmas saying I wasn’t working hard enough. Nice!

I would walk 500 miles (well not quite)

We went on a “team building”  exercise in Derbyshire one weekend. 10 of us were camping in the middle of nowhere and were meant to be doing big walks and stuff like that. The boss also came along to show he was “down with troops” – but he did have a bigger tent and demanded to have the wash room to himself. On the second day of three, the boss ran out of cigarettes. He then told me I had to walk to the shops to buy some more. The shops were about 15 miles away and it was raining – and I didn’t have a car because we’d come in a mini-bus that had cleared off.  He threatened to sack me if I didn’t. At the time I actually liked the job, so I walked the 15 miles… only to get there and the shop was closed (half-day).  So i walked all the way back (another 15 miles in the pouring rain) and the boss was happily smoking away. Turned out it was all a big joke! Ha Ha. He was actually sacked by senior management a month later… probably because I told them what happened.

The Monkey Party

I had a boss a few years ago that was an absolute nightmare. He would always get me to do absolutely everything for him – and it wasn’t just work stuff. A perfect example was when he asked me to get a bloomin’ monkey for his daughter’s birthday party. I spent ages ringing around until I finally found a company that would send a monkey and trainer round. I was over the moon. Anyway, the following Monday after the party he came in and gave me an absolute hammering, then knocked me down the pay scale - supposedly it was “the wrong type of monkey” and his spoilt daughter burst into tears. I quit the following week.